There is a saying that you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. In other words, you need to accept the people you live with, and try to live peacefully with them. This can be very hard, especially when you're growing up and becoming more independent.

What's normal?

Families are families are families. They all contain the same hideous jumble of social and intellectual misfits, cunningly mix'n'matched to make everyone else’s family look more attractive than yours... For some reason, other people’s families look quite normal until you become involved with them. (from Coping with the Family by Peter Corey)

There's no such thing as a " normal" family. All families are different. So don’t worry about labels, or what other people think. Concentrate on the important things:

• Getting along with the people you live with
• Feeling happy and safe at home
• Doing fun things together

If your family has problems that are making you unhappy, then help and support are available.

Key link: Feeling distressed, unhappy or in danger? Talk to www.childline.org.uk.

Sorting out arguments

Learn how to cope with arguments by negotiating. Negotiating helps you find a balance between your need for independence and your parent or carer's need to protect you and the rest of the family. Fighting with your parents? Alone in London, an organisation that helps families resolve conflict, offers these tips to help young people get their views across:

• Think about the outcome you want. Is it realistic?
• Try to see where your parent or carer is coming from.
• Think out what you want to say. Write down your points.
• Be big enough to say sorry.
• Make it clear that you want to resolve the situation.
• Ask your parent or carer to listen to what you have to say.
• Listen to what they have to say.
• Breathe. Stay calm. Be respectful.
• Both parties should think over what was said and identify ways to find the middle ground.
• It's okay to compromise, but make sure your points are acknowledged.

Arguments within families are normal. People have different opinions, and it's OK to disagree. But, when arguments involve violence or threats, intimidation or always putting people down, then there may be an abusive situation in your home.

Find out more: Domestic Violence, Abuse

Stepfamilies

A stepfamily is created when a parent takes a new partner. This can be a very good thing:

• Makes your parent happy
• New family members to help you out

But it is also likely to be stressful. Conflicts involving jealousy, discipline, guilt, favouritism, rejection and loyalty are typical. It usually takes 2 to 10 years for a new family to settle, so it's OK to take your time and get to know your new family members slowly. Try to spend time alone with both your natural and step-parent, and talk openly about your feelings.

If things are going wrong, then help and support are available.

Experience: One thing I've realised is how hard kids can make it for their parents to have relationships of their own. I’ve realised that I can get on with my stepfather as a friend and give him a fair chance. I don't need a dad, But I'm perfectly willing to call him "Dad" as it helps him feel more welcome. – K, 18, Oxford

Key Link: www.childline.org.uk

Divorce

Sometimes parents are unable to carry on being together. When this happens, the children and young people in their family often suffer emotionally. It's a difficult time for everyone, but you must take care of yourself. Remember:

• It’s not your fault.
• You have the right to have your opinions, such as where to live after the divorce, considered by the court.
• You can have a good relationship with both parents.
• Sometimes just talking to someone can help you cope.

Key Links: www.itsnotyourfault.org, www.cafcass.gov.uk

Caring for a relative

Some children and young people care for other members of their family, including sisters, brothers, parents and other relatives. These might be:

• Disabled or have a long-term illness
• In need of care because of mental health issues
• Need caring because of a drug or alcohol addiction.

Taking on adult responsibilities at a young age can be stressful, but help is available. There are local organisations which can help with problems at school, respite care and more.

Find out more: Young Carers.

Being hurt

If you are being hurt at home, you may be afraid to tell anyone for fear that you will be taken away from your family. This will not happen unless you are in danger.

Find out More: Protection from violence and abuse, Domestic Violence, Abuse

Key Link: www.childline.org.uk

Experience

I don't consider my family unusual. My mum remarried recently and my father lives with his girlfriend and her children. It never bothered me that I lived with 'just' my mum. She did an excellent job. The main problem I've encountered is ignorance – people who assume my sister was adopted. Or worse, people who ask loudly "are you
Sure you're related? How can you look so different?" When I explain that she is half Jamaican they act like she is some kind of lesser sister because we don’t have two parents in common. Accepting that everyone is capable of making, mistakes, including your parents, and realising that yes, they do know best sometimes, are the best things you can do, along with treating siblings as well as you do your mates.– K, 18, Oxfor