There is a saying that you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. In other words, you have to accept them warts and all. Sometimes you just have to look for the good in family members, even when they drive
you mad.

What's normal?

Families are families are families. They all contain the same hideous jumble of social and intellectual misfits, cunningly mix'n'matched to make everyone else’s family look more attractive than yours... For some reason, other people’s families look quite normal until you become involved with them. (from Coping with the Family by Peter Corey)

The new normal is 'unique' so don’t worry about labels and focus on getting along. If your family has problems that are making you unhappy you don't have to live with it. There are people who specialise in helping families sort out their problems (see Contacts).

Experience

I don't consider my family unusual. My mum remarried recently and my father lives with his girlfriend and her children. It never bothered me that I lived with 'just' my mum. She did an excellent job. The main problem I've encountered is ignorance – people who assume my sister was adopted. Or worse, people who ask loudly "are you
Sure you're related? How can you look so different?" When I explain that she is half Jamaican they act like she is some kind of lesser sister because we don’t have two parents in common.

Accepting that everyone is capable of making, mistakes, including your parents, and realising that yes, they do know best sometimes, are the best things you can do, along with treating siblings as well as you do your mates.– K, 18, Oxford

Negotiating

Negotiating is about finding a balance between your need for independence and your parent or carer's need to set realistic limits. Alone in London, an organisation that helps families resolve conflict, offers these tips to young people who may be clashing with their parents and want a peaceful and effective way to get their views across:

• Think about the outcome you want. Is it realistic?
• Try to see where your parent or carer is coming from.
• Think out what you want to say. Write down your points.
• Be big enough to say Sorry.
• Make it clear that you want to resolve the situation.
• Ask your parent or carer to listen to what you have to say.
• Listen to what they have to say.
• Breathe. Stay calm. Be respectful.
• Both parties think over what was said and identify ways to find the middle ground.
• It's okay to compromise, but make sure your points are acknowledged.

Stepfamilies

A stepfamily is created when a parent takes a new partner. This might be a good thing or it might be stressful. Conflicts involving jealousy, discipline, guilt, favouritism, rejection and loyalty are typical. It helps to know it
usually takes 2 to 10 years for a new family to settle. Try to spend time alone with both your natural and step-parent, and talk openly about your feelings. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

Experience

One thing I've realised is how hard kids can make it for their parents to have relationships of their own. I’ve realised that I can get on with my stepfather as a friend and give him a fair chance. I don't need a dad, But I'm perfectly willing to call him "Dad" as it helps him feel more welcome. – K, 18, Oxford

Divorce

Sometimes young people suffer emotionally when their parents split up. Remember:

• It’s not your fault.
• You have the right to have your opinions, such as where to live after the divorce, considered by the court.
• You can have a good relationship with both parents.
• Sometimes just talking to someone can help you cope.

Key Link: www.itsnotyourfault.org

Caring for a relative

An estimated 6000 children and young people care for sick or disabled relatives in Oxfordshire. Amanda (12) and Martin (16) Prescott, for example, have been taking care of their mother, who has spinal problems, and little sister Zoe for the past 3 years. Some young carers look after parents with mental health issues or drug or alcohol addiction.

Taking on adult responsibilities at a young age can be stressful. If you would like some help, ask social and health care for a carers’ assessment in your home. It is their duty to do this. Young Carers organisations also provide help
and support.

Key Link: www.youngcarer.com

Being hurt

If you are being hurt at home, you may be afraid to tell anyone for fear that you will be taken away from your family. This will not happen unless you are in danger. Find out what you can do in Protection from violence and abuse, in the law section.

Key Link: www.childline.org.uk