Arguments within families are normal. Family members sometimes disagree, and it's OK to be angry. But anger needs to be expressed so that:

• no one is hit or hurt
• no one feels afraid
• no one is intimidated

When arguments involve violence or threats, intimidation or always putting people down, then there may be an abusive situation in your home.

Abuse can happen to anyone, of any age. It happens to clever, strong and vulnerable people. It is very difficult to cope with for everybody. There is no one reason why abusive situations happen, and they can be very difficult to sort out.

• Key link: Domestic Abuse Oxfordshire : Reducing the Risk

Abuse in relationships

Domestic Abuse may be happening within your family or it may be happening to you. Abuse in relationships is not something that happens once. It is a cycle, and usually gets worse if nothing is done to stop it.

• Helpline: Refuge: For women 0808 2000 247 24hr
• Helpline: Mens Advice Line : for men 0808 801 0327 Mon-Fri 10am-1pm, 2pm-5pm

Though it may seem obvious that if someone hurts you, you should leave them, this is not an easy decision to make. The person being abused may still love the person being violent. They may want to stay with them, but just want the abuse to stop. There may also be other reasons:

• Shared home, friends, bank accounts, cars, etc.
• Fear of the abuser, of being alone, of people's reactions
• Feeling too ill, tired, or depressed to cope with ending a relationship

Ending the relationship is often the right thing to do. But there is also help available if both the abuser and the person being abused want to end the abuse, but keep the relationship.

• Helpline: Oxfordshire Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800 731 0055
• Key Resource: Loves me ... loves me not? (Domestic Abuse Leaflet, PDF 745K)

Abuse in families

In homes where there is abuse going on, 90% of children are aware that it's happening.

Even when it's not happening to you, abuse may make you feel sad, confused, angry, lonely and guilty. You may feel frightened and worried about other members of your family. You may not be able to concentrate at school. You may have to spend time looking after younger brothers and sisters.

Home is where you should feel supported and protected. No one should be hurting another person and no one should be hurting you. If domestic abuse is happening, everyone in the household suffers. If:

• You are witnessing violence between family members
• You're afraid of a family member getting hurt, or of getting hurt yourself
• You no longer feel safe at home

then it is time to talk to someone you trust. This could be another relative, or your local Youth Worker or Connexions Worker. If things are very bad, it might even be the police. Talking to a helpline first can help you with knowing what to say.

CRUCIAL: If someone is in immediate danger or badly hurt dial 999 emergency.

It's NOT your fault

If domestic abuse is happening in your family, you are not alone. Lots of young people find themselves in this situation, as relationships in their family suffer problems, break up or change. You are not to blame for what's going on.

If domestic abuse is happening in your relationship, there is support available to help you change or end the relationship. Support will look at what you need to feel safe and happy. If you are not sure whether you are in an abusive realtionship, you may find this downloadable leaflet helpful:

• Mr Wrong or Mr Right, Ms Wrong or Ms Right? - how to spot an abusive man or woman

You are an important person and you have the right to be safe at home. If things are not okay, then there is help and support available for you.

• Related topic: Abuse

Experience: we still have ups and downs but have learned ways to cope

I never thought I was in a domestic violence relationship even when I broke my wrist and ended up in hospital by falling badly after being pushed during an argument. The police Domestic Violence Unit were involved, which really upset me and my partner. He was not allowed to see me in hospital, and for a few weeks afterwards. Over the next few months we got back together, and realised we both came from homes affected by domestic violence and would need help and support if we were going to "break the chain". That was two years ago. We still have our ups and downs, but have learned loads of ways to cope with those explosive feelings that used to end in violence. We are expecting our first baby which is typically a time when domestic violence gets worse, but we are coping well, and know there is loads of support out there for us if we need it. If you and your partner want to change, don’t be afraid to go for help, even if you are a man. - Ayla Scarlett,18