Arguments within families are normal, and can have lots of causes:

• Stress from jobs or school
• Money problems
• Pressures of living together and sharing space
• People growing and changing.

But when arguments are frequent, severe, or end in violence, then there may be an abusive situation in your home.

Abuse can happen to anyone, of any age. It happens to clever, strong people and to vulnerable people. It is very difficult to cope with for everyone.

There is no one reason why abusive situations happen, and they can be very difficult to sort out.

But there are lots of places to go for help:

Domestic Abuse

When someone is hurt by a person they are living with or going out with, we call it domestic abuse.

Though it may seem obvious that if someone hurts you, you should leave them, there are usually many reasons why this is not an easy decision to make, e.g.

• They may be dependent on the person, financially or emotionally
• There may be considerations like a shared home, bank accounts, cars, etc.
• They may feel too ill, tired, or depressed to face the stress of ending a relationship

In homes where there is abuse going on, 90% of children are aware that it's happening. This is a very difficult situation to be in, and you should not have to go through it alone. In a household where domestic abuse is occurring, everyone in the household suffers, and should seek support and advice.

• Key link: Reducing the Risk
• Key Resource: Loves me ... loves me not? (Domestic Abuse Leaflet, PDF 745K)
• Helpline: Oxfordshire Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800 731 0055

Abuse

There are four main kinds of abuse:

1. Physical abuse hurts your body by hitting, kicking, punching, burning, tying you up and so on.
2. Neglect ignores your needs, such as for food, warmth, medical care and emotional well-being.
3. Sexual abuse is force or pressure to have sex. This can be anything from kissing to touching that makes you feel uncomfortable to full sexual intercourse.
4. Emotional abuse involves treatment that makes you feel worthless, such as humiliation, constant criticism and withholding love and affection.

Young people from all kinds of homes and all kinds of families are abused, usually by people they know.

• Key Link: www.childline.org.uk

What happens when you tell someone?

Telling someone about an abusive situation is very difficult. You may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or worry that people will think it's your fault. You may be worried that the abuser may get into trouble, or that you will be taken into care.

It is also normal for abusers to make threats about what will happen if you tell anyone, e.g.

• They will hurt you or someone you love
• The police will arrest you both
• They will hurt or kill themselves

The fact is that the longer abuse goes on, the more damage it does, and the harder it is to stop. If you think that you are being abused it is crucial that you tell someone you trust as soon as possible. Write it down if you can't face talking about it.

If you are being hurt or harmed at home, lots of people have a legal responsibility to help you. But you must ask for help, as abuse that seems obvious to you may be invisible to others.

When you ask for help, your case is put forward for investigation by Social and Health Care. A social worker will then contact you, and try to find out what help you want, and also tell you what they can provide. If you want to stay at home, Social and Health Care will try to make it safe for you to do so. The abuser will have to get some help to stop the abuse but he or she will not necessarily be arrested.

Childline and NSPCC can help you work out who to tell and put you in touch with helpful organisations. You can ring them free from any phone, even a call box. Whatever you tell them will be kept confidential.

• Key link: NSPCC

Protection from violence

If you are being hurt at home, someone is breaking the law. But that doesn't have to mean that you will be taken away from your family. This will not happen unless you are in danger.

Find out more in Protection from violence and abuse, in the law section.